The Nigerian god is one. It may have many different manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow the Nigerian god.
This article is for all those who want to become better worshipers. If you are a new or prospective convert, God will bless you for choosing the Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship him.
First, you must understand that being a worshiper has nothing to do with character, good works or righteousness. So the fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. The opening prayer is important. Nothing can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god appreciates communication.
When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say—in addition to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it. The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your lover.
When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.
This is how the Nigerian god judges people who are your enemies- evil people who want to spoil your hustle; like your colleagues who don’t want your promotion; like your single old aunties who secretly don’t want you to marry that rich handsome man (who you haven’t met yet); like all your neighbours who are stopping you from getting pregnant: He violently consumes them by fire. He returns all their evil plans back to sender. So when making requests about all your enemies, do not pray that they be forgiven or that they change. Pray that the Nigerian god kills them off with such violent finality that there is nothing left of them.
Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and are able to afford that Phantom, when people say you have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God has been good to me”. By this you mean the Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.
Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian god understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.
The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually, (through God’s grace), win the elections, you must begin by declaring that your success is the wish of God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. It is not your fault whom the Nigerian god chooses to reward with political success. How can mere mortals complain?
The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s. If the person who insults your religion is online and you can't locate them, feel free to threaten to kill them. Like we say in Nigeria: "at all-at all na im bad pass". Something is better than nothing at all.
The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of god asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of barrenness is caused by witches and has no scientific explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.
If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.
The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or Twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to you, put up statuses saying how much you are crazy about God.
These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: "Now in Church" or "This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing" when performing acts of worship.
In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.
👉One of the hardest tasks in this 21st century is for the youth to spend 30 minutes without touching their phones!
👉Almost everyone is now a phone addict.
👉It's the last thing you touch before you sleep at night.
👉It's the first thing you touch when you wake up at dawn.
👉Some even put on earpiece overnight.
👉Some still wake up at night to download films, but they can't wake up for prayers.
👉Some are always online chatting.
👉As early as 6am they are online, and they remain online till midnight.
👉They have thousands of online friends with whom they chat, but they don't relate with their families at home.
👉They isolate themselves in their rooms.
👉Some argue till midnight about unnecessary issues in their various online groups, yet they have a lot of things they need from God. We go to bed late, and have no time for God. We sleep and snore!
👉Immediately after prayers , you see people pressing their phones again, no time to share the grace! 👉When accidents happen, instead of saving lives, you see people taking pictures of the victims with their phones.
👉When a house is on fire, instead of quenching it, you see people taking pictures so as to be the first to upload it on social network.
👉When a person loses a loved one😭, instead of thinking about the funeral issues, the first thing the person does is to upload the news on social network. Perhaps for comments!
👉We are so addicted to phones! We even chat when we are on motorcycles.
👉Some still chat in the exam halls🙊.
👉Some play games with their phones when they are in church.
👉Along the road, some keep pressing their phones, until perhaps they narrowly dodge an accident, or until a banana peel slips them😂😂.
👉Even when we have guests, we still concentrate on our phones than our guest.
👉Some ignore their spouses because they are chatting with "mere friends" on Facebook or Whatsapp!
👉Many are those whose phones have made them "hypocrites" and "liars".
👉Many are those whose phones are leading them to hellfire! By taking their nude pictures to send to their sex partners.🙈
👉Because of your phone, you are the last person to come to church , and you are always the first person to leave!